I found out recently that someone I love dearly doesn't read my blog anymore because it's too sad.
I stopped for a minute. Is it true? Are my posts sad?
I am not at all concerned about losing a reader, though I am worried about losing a friend. And I'm concerned about my child's life and the lives of others diagnosed with autism.
So I had to ask the question: Are my posts sad?
I'm not sad about my life. I get sad, sure. We all do. But I'm not sad about my life.
Sometimes the hard bits of life startle us more than the easy parts, so much that they're all we can remember. Maybe I tell too many difficult stories. Or maybe she read one and got too startled. Maybe she couldn't imagine being happy while at the same time having difficult bits of life. Maybe life is much more complex and harder to control, if control is important.
I want to let you know something, something very important. Having a child with autism does not make me sad. It has not ruined my life. It's not bankrupting me. It's not causing my husband and I to divorce. My child's autism is not a tragedy.
My son is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't wish for a different child. I don't regret, even for one minute, that HE is MY child. I feel profoundly honored to be his co-adventurer in life.
My son kisses me all the time. He tells me I'm his best friend, that I'm the best mom, that I'm the best builder.
My son is happy. He likes his life. He's cheerful and optimistic. He's downright bubbly. He knows what brings him joy and he knows how to explore those things to get more joy in his life.
My son likes people. He loves hearing stories about friends and family. He has a crush on Min from the original Barney. He's head-over-heels in love with his pets. He likes making me laugh. He has mischievous down pat.
He has his challenges, no doubt about it. I write about those challenges hoping that people will better understand him. Hoping that people won't try to change him, but will change their own minds. Hoping that people will open their heart to differences. Hoping that the world won't merely include, but will embrace.
So the next time I write about the challenges, I'd like you to remember something. My overall emotion about having a child with autism is NOT sadness. My overall emotion is much more complicated. It's profoundly tender, passionate, intense, complex, and joyful.
It is love.
And I'm not the only one. There's my friend Jess and her daughter, Jersey and her son, Alysia and her son, Niksmom and her son and so many more who show each and every day how much love is in a life with autism.
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Sometimes I think autism is one of the best things that could have happened to our family. We've all learned so much and experienced so many great things while learning and growing with our two autistic children. Yes, the challenges can feel like rocks weighing you down, but in the end I am exactly where I was meant to be and I'm happy with that.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe those who don't live with autism arent able to see the happy that exists there. =)
I love you. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteThere are moments in EVERY parents journey that are sad or upsetting. Autism or not.
ReplyDeleteI had someone ask me if I would change my children if I could and I answered after a minute... "no, unless it brought them a better (in their minds and hearts) quality of life." I love my different family for the joy it brings me even with the pain.
As a blogger I share some of the rougher moments mainly for two reasons. 1. To share them with those who get it and can add their own story. 2. So my story and the ones added by others can show those who don't always understand.
Ok, there is a third reason...... because in order to be the best mom I can to the kids, I some times just need to get it off my chest and writing is a good way to do that.
I love your blogs, I love your funny ones, your sad ones, your educational ones, your just sharing ones..... because I understand.
Oh, gosh, no, I don't find your posts sad! You obviously love your child and your life. You explain hard things sometimes; you tell jokes sometimes. (What I find sad are the blogs that cheerfully announce how they punished that one kid who wouldn't do her chores or lied about her homework [HA! sure taught HER a lesson! HA!], and then show the happy-happy family holiday photo.)
ReplyDeleteKeep doing what you're doing, please!
I find your posts loving, tender, compassionate, humorous, intelligent and insightful. You are one of the best Autism mom's out there with a blog. You seem to understand and connect with your son in ways I can only aspire to. Please don't change your writing or your life...not one bit!
ReplyDeleteI don't think what you write is sad at all. I find that when we have Autism in the house it's something we have to deal with and some of us wind up out her in the blog-world. I've not found your posts to be sad at all. They are a tribute to your life, how much you love your family and the realities of living with Autism.
ReplyDeleteI finally see someone who thinks like I do. Thisis excellent and I am sharing and sharing and sharing it. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI could not agree more with you and what you have written here! Kudos to you, my friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you. A million times thank you. I printed this for my 10 yr old mensa Aspie... I can imagine her writing these very words. But I hope she will never NEED to, because I hope she will have role models like you to look to when she needs reminding that she already IS someone important and world-changing. And that however she opts to do it, she will do great things, on HER terms, and that is AS IT SHOULD BE!
ReplyDeleteDouble ditto! I wouldn't change a thing about my guys. My 10 year old twins are the awesomest, most wonderful, brilliant, insightful little folks ever! It is other people's preconceptions and total lack of understanding ( or effort to gain some) that I would change. Some of them make me sad, but my guys....NEVER! Side note: we have some awesome folks in our lives that stand out much more than those I mentioned above and they love our guys as much as we do (if that is even possible!) Rock on Mama!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time here, so happy I stopped to read this. Beautifully said and I absolutely agree!
ReplyDeleteI saw this on Facebook and as the other side of the coin, an Aspie about to be a mom, I don't find it sad. I think it's challenging and maybe those not in the unusual club of being affected by ASDs may not understand.
ReplyDeleteThank you! My Ryan is how he was made... joyful, wonderfully different... and I too just pray that I don't mess him up! The times when I don't understand, when I can't help his anxiety or understand what he's trying to tell me... those are sad. The times. Not the situation, not the child. I've lost friends because they thought I couldn't possibly be as happy as I seem to be... had to be faking it. I'm not! I love my children with all my heart! I love my life! And if anything, Autism's challenges bring my husband and I together as we seek to raise our children to be who God made them. Thank you for sharing!!!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't trade in my daughter for anything. Aside from the joy and delight of sharing her life for the past 25 years, I have been able to meet so many wonderful people as a direct result of her autism.
ReplyDeleteYou never know how your children are going to turn out. Some of those parents who pitied me had children who went on drugs or otherwise messed up their lives and put their families through, um, heck.
Have there been some difficult times? Sure, but most of those were from dealing with schools and bureaucracies, not from my daughter's actions.
Thank you for this article.
Yeah, what they said.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me wonder if MY posts are sad. All in all, I think they're upbeat, loving, heartfelt, but could they be interpreted as "sad" by someone who is feeling what you're feeling, and interpreting it through their own expectations?
I think of the times I've talked about celebrating the little things and wonder. . . is it sad for someone with an NT child to hear about my joy at having my child actually physically wave for the first time at age 6?
Maybe. Because they just don't know any better.
This is the first post I've read, thanks to a friend sharing it on Facebook. Though we don't have a child with autism, we have a child with significant speech delays. As much as I would love for him to be able to communicate better, he is the sweetest child and everyone who meets him loves him immediately! I will be reading more!
ReplyDeleteI saw this on Twitter, and am happy I stumbled onto your blog! I tell people I'm not looking for a cure to autism - my kids aren't sick, they're different. And that's ok. Autism is part of what makes them the wonderful, unique, special people that they are. If you remove the autism, you remove a part of them - not all of them, but a part. I'd give anything to make their lives easier, to remove some of the struggle and heartache, but I won't ask for a cure for autism, because that would remove all the beautiful things autism brings as well.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely post! I saw the title and smiled. I am a mom to a sweet as pie 12 yr old Autistic son and we are one happy bunch. It boils down to mindset. Pls follow me on Twitter: @lemondropfoodie I will be launching a new site in spring 2012 that will really hit home with you - it is about parenting children with Autism but all about EMPOWERMENT and positive action! And as much as it is about our kids it is also about US - the parents, caregivers, siblings... taking care of US is just as important as taking care of others.
ReplyDelete(((BIG HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteYou write beautifully. Not sad, just with an honest, heartfelt voice. Sometimes that voice is happy, sometimes it is informative, sometimes it is funny. You write through the lens of human emotions, and that's okay. :)
Forgotten just said exactly what I was thinking. I love to read your posts, as well as the awesome mamas you mentioned, b/c sometimes I feel the same way and your words and support comfort me, and sometimes I am in a different place and it makes me look at things from a different perspective. No matter what you write, I come away from the post stronger and more enlightened than I was before I started reading it.
ReplyDeleteI just love the way you have the courage to share the hard stuff. The stuff that's raw and not easy to talk about, but that the rest of us with children on the spectrum just GET on a gut level. I can hear the effort in your words to understand your sweet boy and to see the world he lives in, so as to be better able to help him navigate that world. I don't find that sad. I find that achingly loving and sweet. Your Jack has a very special mama. You make me cry nearly every time, not with sadness but because my heart is touched. (((Hugs!)))
ReplyDeleteDebbie K.
i love this: "I feel profoundly honored to be his co-adventurer in life."
ReplyDeleteamen, friend.
'My overall emotion about having a child with autism is NOT sadness'
ReplyDeleteWord. Mine is frustration. Frustration at OTHER PEOPLE.
I too would not change my son - he is mischievous, curious, engaging, entertaining and very very smart. I would like to change people's perceptions of him and his challenges but I would never ever chane him. Great post!
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this. I've reclaimed that sadness in my heart just because of the many things we're going through. Some related to autism. Some to epilepsy. Mostly to the unfairness of my son having special needs. Not my sadness, but sadness for his struggles...that he should not have to have. BUT, in the end, it's my love for him that overwhelms me, brings me to my knees and powers me forward to clear the path for him, elicit help for him, encourage him and love him and life even more.
ReplyDeleteI too have had readers, friends and even my husband fall off my readership list. Sometimes, having "it" stare you in the face is too hard to bare. I understand this. Still, I love, I write...For him, for me, for you and for them.
Thanks Mama!
I feel the same way. I actually feel that autism (and Hallie's exceptionally early birth) have given us some important gifts: we don't take things for granted and we've learned to become better and more engaged parents ourselves. I wish we could get rid of the stigma that is so attached to all things autistic and all things special need-related. I wish that differences were more appreciated in our culture. But that's sadness directed at the limitations of the world around us and not about my kid at all. So thanks for this post! Merry everything!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you're coming from. I have a son with Hemophilia (a rare blood disorder). Although our family goes through challenges and sad times I wouldn't change a thing! Through all the uncertainty and challenges we face, those times make life sweeter. I embrace the simple things in life even more! I think if you lose a reader it's not because of what you wrote it's because they weren't ready or may never be ready to read it. They can't relate and that's ok. Not everyone can.
ReplyDeleteYou see your son, not just his autism. That's how it should be. Autism is just one part of him. If those people can't see that, it's their loss. He's lucky to have you as his mom. I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing.
ReplyDelete