Heart of Hearing

Dear Self: 

Hi, sweetheart, it's me, Me.  I know we have a lot on our mind.  I know you've been running in place as fast as you can, just trying to keep up.  So, right now, I want you to take a minute.  Breathe in through your nose.  No, don't just think it, do it.  In through your nose.  Out through your mouth.  Now relax those muscles in your face.  And relax them one more time.

So, sweetie, remember the other day when your friend was telling you what a hard time she was having with her child?  I know you hate seeing her in pain.  I know you wanted to help.  But, love, try not to fix it for her, at least not right away.  Try to remember how you feel when you're talking about a problem.  A big part of it is being heard.  Fixes come second, maybe even third.  Try to listen for a minute, really listen.  She needs to be heard.  She needs someone to hear her out.

Try not to say, "No, here's what you need ..."  Instead, say, "Yes, of course."  Say it several times.  And mean it.  "Yes" to openness, support, friendship, love. 

Then, Me, I need you to hear between the lines.  What is she really feeling?  Frustration, anger, anxiety, fear, sadness, disappointment?  Ask her. 

Then after the words tumble out of her and she pauses for a minute, give her a minute.  Does she need more venting?  Does she need a tissue?  A hug?  Does she need to repeat herself? 

Ask her: So what do you think will help?  Then listen again.

Before we start searching for a solution, keep our brain still for one minute.  Still enough to hear.

Still enough for our heart to listen.

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