Misbehavior Is

A stray cat shows up on our back porch.  A black, long-haired sweetheart of a cat.  Just like fifteen years ago, when another black, long-haired sweetheart of a cat showed up on our back porch, one who's stayed with us.  That cat was Luca, who's a lover.  And he's also Jack's best buddy.

So when another black, long-haired sweetheart of a cat shows up and needs someone, I thought, aw, we have to bring it in.  Because I'm crazy.  Because having two cats already, one husband, and one high-intensity child in a small house is not enough.  I need another unit of chaos.

So I had the cat checked out at the vet, found it was a female, broke my vow about female cats, 'cause they can be ... um ... difficult, and quarantined it in the bedroom until we can get the cats used to each other.

Jack loves the new kitty because she is even more of a lover.  She'll sit on Jack's lap, rub on him, bump her head on his hand endlessly.  Not something our other cats will do - from previous experience.  They know to keep a safe distance just in case Jack suddenly starts flapping plastic bags in their faces or something.  But this cat is fearless for attention.

In the morning, Jack and I went in the quarantined bedroom to clean out the kitty litter, feed the cat, and air out the room.  Luca, our resident black, long-haired sweetheart, wandered in to check things out.  I was holding the new kitty   And she freaked.  She began hissing and yowling.  I quickly removed Luca and closed the door.

Jack, calmly: "That was loud."

If you were there, you woulda thought, "Wow.  He handled that well."  I stood still for a few minutes while I recovered from that flight, fight, or freeze reaction from deep inside the amygdala portion of my brain.  I told Jack that the new kitty was just scared.  I listened to my heart as it pounded, then slowed down.  Then I took a few more deep breaths.

But that's not how it works for Jack..

He began stomping, snapping a plastic bag, singing loudly, slamming the door, laughing wildly.

I gathered him, the food, the bags, and tried to get out fast.  I made it out the door, but Jack escaped me and began slamming the door and pounding on the floor.

What does it look like?  Say it with me.  Looks like a tantrum.  But it's not.

I'm gonna have to have that embroidered.  This lesson is one of Jack's greatest gifts to me.   

Misbehavior is Hurt Covered Up.

Sadness hurts him.  Anger hurts others.  So misbehaving is what we get.

When Jack misbehaves, I can't raise my voice or emotions or threaten him or discipline him.  That just piles more overload on and results in more misbehavior.  What he needs is me to help him get the hurt out.

I finally figured out a strategy that works for us.  Physical activity first.  Then tackle those emotions.  Jack loves being tossed onto crash cushions (deep sensory input) and being tickled (light sensory input).  So I started with one and went to the other.  They both cause deep breathing, a release of energy.   

Then I started talking.

Me:  It's hard when there are tears in there and they want to come out.

Jack pushed me hard, yelling "Go away!"

I used to get angry and feel hurt when Jack did this.  But now I know.

Misbehavior is Hurt Covered Up.

So I respond calmly and quietly.  With no anger or hurt feelings of my own.

Me: It's okay.  I'm here to help.  I know it's hard when there are tears in there.

And that was enough.  His mouth tightened as he tried to hold the sadness in and tears shone in his eyes.

Jack: The new kitty was being mean.

Sometimes it tumbles out this easily.  Sometimes it's stuck and doesn't come out at all. 

I didn't try to talk him out of his feelings.  Just supported him and let him get that sadness out.  Only then did he calm down.

I can't figure out female cats.  I don't know what I'm gonna do with this one.  But I know this for sure.

Misbehavior is Hurt Covered Up.

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